Affairs

I read an article on Time's website today that made me infuriated and sad and encouraged and depressed all at the same time.


In her 30 years of counseling couples, Mira Kirshenbaum has discerned 17 reasons that people have extramarital affairs. In a near majority of couples, one partner will cheat on the other at some point. In her new book, When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships (St. Martin's), Kirshenbaum explains the reasons and offers some helpful — and sometimes surprising — advice on how to manage the consequences.

Hmm, this ought to be interesting, and so I read on into an article in which a Time writer and this counselor go back forth in a Q&A. Here's where I got angry.

TIME: Should you confess if you feel guilty about [the affair]?

No. I've got to tell you that this is very, very important. I'm a person who is just an advocate of truth. I really will do anything to tell the truth, so it took me a long time to get to the point where I say, just don't tell. Because how does it make a person less guilty to inflict terrible pain on someone? Which is exactly what the confession does. It puts the other person in a permanent state of hurt and grief and loss of trust and an inability to feel safe, and it doesn't alleviate your guilt. Your relationship is dealt a potentially devastating blow. Honesty is great, but it's an abstract moral principle.... The higher moral principle, I believe, is not hurting people.

I'll admit that it's definitely an interesting moral principle. Causing pain is certainly something to be avoided. Obviously the best way to avoid this pain is by not having the affair at all. And though having a affair and never letting the spouse know many avoid their pain, momentarily, there are obviously some other things to keep in mind.

But here's the kicker to this whole article. The question immediately above the one you just read is...

TIME: Do most people get caught?

Yes. Inevitably there are slip-ups...it's just heartbreaking. So it all blows up eventually.

So this woman with her 30 years in counseling knows that people get caught in affairs. And yet in her spectacular wisdom, she tells all the readers of Time Magazine that the better idea is to keep affairs a secret.

I'm befuddled as to how Christian moral thinkers and philosophers are made fun of consistantly in the media, and yet this idiot gets published in Time. If you know that more than likely get caught, then isn't it a better idea to come clean yourself then to be discovered? She may be right that confessing to your spouse will not magically get rid of guilt--but neither will not telling!

I'm sorry, am I the only one who thinks this lady is just amazingly dumb?

Here's the article: Why We Have Affairs — And Why Not to Tell